Thoughts
for Moms & Dads & Grandparents on FaceBook: By Doris Ann
Having
no children of my own, but having been one.
And
having a few (antique) formal psychology courses, and having worked with
troubled and both sick and well children/teens/adults throughout my entire
adult life, and currently knowing some children/teens/adults, I have some
observations about Parents and Grandparents on FaceBook.
1. Many of us in the Parent/GP age group adapted
to computer technology/usage as adults, and became ‘end users’ of the virtual
media based mostly on the written/printed word.
2. Those in the younger generation
have known/lived this media all their lives.
Side
Bar: I have an old Epson 286 dos text-driven
desktop computer that has never seen ‘Windows’ or a ‘mouse’ or ever been
connected to the Internet. It has never
had a glitch, never failed to boot, never had a virus, & never crashed. It prints to an old dot matrix printer, which
uses, yes, a ribbon cartridge
for ink, and continuous running paper that has those tear-off sides with holes
that run it through the printer. The
reason it’s alive and well at my house, is that it houses an old family tree
software package that now has a thousand (1000) plus (+) names and my book is
not written yet. When I tell my younger friends
(ie. 30 years & younger) about this magnificent machine, they look at me
like, . . . well, . . . you know!
3. One of the first things we learned (or should
have learned) about email is what has always been known about the printed
word. What the author means and has written
is not always what is perceived
by the reader. It’s often difficult to say exactly what you
mean without the added benefit of body language and voice execution. Remember that stuff from Communications 101.
Side
Bar: Ok let’s back up. For effective communication there has to be a
message, a messenger, a message sent, a receiver, a message received, and the
received message verified by original sender’s validation (feedback). Remember those exercises we did, where one
person at the beginning started a message whispering to the next, and that one
to the next, until the message went all around the room and ended up very
differently from the original message?
And remember that part about communication is a certain percentage words/content
and a certain percentage body language and a certain percentage voice, then
there’s the emotion, the time, setting and tone of the situation/environment /culture/society
and a multitude of other factors. And after
all that, we sometimes manage to say exactly what we mean, or actually get a
point across, or even believe that we do understand what we think we’re being
told. And the pen is mightier than the
sword. Oh, how those words can help or hurt! Even unintentionally !
4. Then there is ‘reading between the lines.’
Natural, habitual, among receivers and even sometimes intended by the
message sender. (Like ‘OH, I’m not
really saying it out loud, but you know what I mean . . . “) But reading between the lines, that’s a big red flag for printed communications.
5. E-mail group and FaceBook
type messages are kind of like the whispered
message going around the room, with
reading between the lines, and a multiplicity of emotion, time, setting and
tone of the situation/ environment/culture/society and a multitude of other
factors. DEPENDING, of course, on who
all are friends, or friends of friends and what huge variety of age
groups/family/cultures/societies are involved. But there is NO body language and NO voice
execution. It’s all in the printed words!
(Except of course for those occasional cute little animated
graphics. Do they really add any
comprehension to the message?)
6. And then there’s always the CONFIDENCE of the SENDER. “That’s not what I said. . .” “How did you get that from my message?” “I can’t believe you thought that, you should
know me better than that!” Soooo… just
because you think/believe you said
it loud and clear (in print) doesn’t mean it got there loud and clear.
7. Another fact to
consider. How many of us as kids had our little talks with friends in front
of our parents? Hey, not that I
recall. We talked at school, on the playground,
in the gym at lunch, on the steps waiting for the bus, on the ride home. Some of us even in the corn field. These kids are talking to each other all the time, regardless of
geography, texting, emailing, FB status’ing, commenting, messaging. OMG! It’s
how they live!
8. There’s another big
step. Initials for entire sentences.
Lol, idk, omg, iggn, btl, etc and some of them mean two or three
things. Good grief! Where’s the dictionary for that?
9. Everything is public.
And the sense of privacy, or if there even is privacy, or how much
privacy, or whatever privacy means is pretty much up for question.
10. Ignorance of who is out there.
When was the last time you looked up one of your friends’ friends? Or for that matter, checked to see how your
friends have their privacy set? Some
people have their FB set to the general public!
Do you know who/how many of your friends do?
11. Loss of judgement/integrity/credibility. Some of the things seen as status posts,
comments, likes and other types of shared responses are
way too personal for open format. We
need to remember that those printed words are at great risk. At risk for misinterpretation. At risk for being misquoted. At risk for being copied and pasted into some
other context. And after all they are
your words. . . . right ? Getting back a printed or spoken word is kind
of like trying to put the tooth paste back in the tube.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @
So, here are some thoughts for Parents/GPs
on using FB or other open types of printed tools with their children.
A.
Kids
still need their peer group.
That’s an important part of growing up.
So I think it’s kind of smart to stay out of their stuff that is obviously
relevant to the peer group. Peers have a
lot of power. It’s important to pay
attention to the type of conversation that’s going on and who is involved. I’ve seen one conversation go for 12-13 comments about girly stuff, all obvious
young female entries, clearly girl talk.
And at the end ‘Dad’ just happens to pop in with a (maybe/maybe not) “cute” comment. So one of the girls comes back
with a caustic comment about Dad’s comment.
Others, now wanting to get in on being cute, add some not so nice
comments to the ‘caustic’ comment. Now
the daughter is caught between. Does she
dare continue on the conversation string?
What can she say that keeps her in the peer group, but doesn’t alienate
Dad? Peers can shoot down an ‘old
codger’ pretty quick in a comment line on FB.
(Instantly setting up doubt or question in a young mind about their Parent/GP. “Gee, if my best friend thinks that maybe I
better have another thought about Gramma?)
A Parent/GP who has been allowed to be a friend, needs to treat
this honor with great respect. It means
the child/teen/young adult is allowing you to see their stuff and trusting you
to not embarrass, or otherwise mess up on their FB page. Messing up in this area could result in a
quick ‘unfriending’ or ‘blocking’, etc.
***Option, set up a FB closed family
group for family/more personal type discussions. So many families are spread out
geographically today. FB is a valuable
tool for staying connected, but doing it smart will preserve that family feeling.
Parents/GPs who want to preserve their identity as family and not just a
‘friend’ might want to take steps to communicate in different channels than the
‘friend’ group.
B.
Something else to think about. Parents/GPs
need to be parents/GPs. Today, many
grandparents are watching their grandkids grow up in other places through
virtual communications. I have a friend
whose son is teaching in a Bible college in South Africa. There a two grandchildren. Not being a part of their everyday life,
lends to emotional as well as geographical distance. And that’s hard to whittle away, even on a FB
page or in an email or their blog . When
you go on-line, you don’t stop being a Parent/GP. Parent/GP stuff just naturally comes through.
BUT “You should have.” “If you had, . . .” “I wish we could have talked . . .” Not really stuff for the friends page, group email,
or public blog. Even mushy stuff (pure and
sweet Parental/GP love), the kids probably would rather not have all their
friends ‘seeing’ that stuff. (You
remember how old you were before it was ok for Dad or Mom to kiss you in
public?) Soooo, if you’re offering a
correction, an alternative action, or just plain making your feelings loud and
clear, loving or otherwise, why not consider sending an individual message, or
even better pick up the phone. The only
thing better is face to face.
Side bar:
I’ve experienced in my lifetime that ‘parents/GPs’ sometimes continue to
be ‘parental’ even with their adult childless
friends. ( ! ) When that happens to me, I choose to take it
as a ‘love pat’. I think once you are
one, a Parent/GP, you are always one.
AND Parent/GP’ing is so important, hugely valuable and something truly
awesome! I fear that may be slowing
fading from our society. I’m way more in
favor of keeping them.
C.
Principles
of good communication haven’t really changed. But they are being heavily impacted by the
virtual media print communication tools and styles. Some basics that we’ve depended on for so
long are getting pretty foggy. Children,
teens and adults need good communication
skills and maybe for the social media networks, even BETTER communication skills.
D.
Principles
of good family relationships haven’t really changed. But we have seen the deterioration of family
even in our generation. Virtual
communication tools can help keep families in touch. We need to use them wisely. We need to work hard on keeping our core family values in place.
Guess
what?
Some of
that antique formal training is still around and obviously alive and well. For my more industrious friends, here are
some great links. As you look at these,
think of your kid/s age groups and
try to think about your own development through these phases. The times, they are a changin’. Enjoy: Doris Ann
MASLOW’S HEIRARCHY OF NEEDS
A good read, all on the one page. Pretty heavy stuff!!!
ERIKSON’S STAGES OF GROWTH AND
DEVELOPMENT
If
you don’t want to read the intro, etc. about Erikson, scroll down and find the
stage of development that interests you.
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
A
nice flash show, gets the job done and doesn’t take long. (May ignore the ad at the end. . . I have not tried it.)
